Regrets

*Author's note: This piece is entirely fictional.  I don't really think it's my best work but it could be worse sooo…

My life is a circle of regrets.  I always look back at what I should have done.  Things that got looked over in the moment.  People always tell me that everyone makes mistakes.  What I've done is not a mistake.  It's not a "misguided action."  It's not a misunderstanding.

My life has been changed by choices.  Choices where I did the wrong thing.  Choices that  I made.  Things that I wanted to do.  That I thought were my best option.  I did the wrong thing for the wrong reasons.  I can't change my decisions.  I can only regret my choices.

My life is a web of lies.  Lies to the rest of the world.  The same lies I tell myself.  I tell myself that I did nothing wrong.  That it was his fault.  That I had nothing to do with it.  But I did.  Maybe not directly.  Maybe more directly than I even realize.  But I have no choice.  My choices force me to lie. 

My life is shadowed in fear.  The fear that consumes me; eats me alive.  I am afraid. 

I am afraid that I will forget about my mask.  The perfect face that hides the scars underneath.  I am afraid that I will forget to be perfect.  Because if I forget, even for one second, the world will see who I really am.  They will see the scars that lie under the perfect outside.  I am afraid of the lies that control my life. 

I regret what I did.  But I chose to do it.  I lie to the world.  I am afraid that they will see.  Because I am not what they think.  I am the opposite.  I am a monster.  I am undeserving.  Of life.  Of love.  Of hope.  I live a life of lies and regrets.  My choices have made me afraid.  Now, I truly have nothing.  I deserve to die.